Between A Rock And A Hard Place
by A Caddoan Boy's Girl
Summary: I loved Shay. I truly did. But it's impossible to choose between your best friends and the girl you love. But I did choose. And it cost her her life. Logan/OC. Companion piece to Thanks For the Memories. ONESHOT.


**Disclaimer: I do not own Big Time Rush or any other copyrighted item mentioned and am in no way profiting from this story. **

**WARNING! Mentions of suicide, drug and alcohol use, and language. **

**This is a pseudo-sequel companion piece to my oneshot Thanks For the Memories. Please go read that first! **

**LOGAN P.O.V.**

I was between a rock and a hard place. James is one of my best friends. I'm in love with Shay. Help him follow his dream by going to L.A., or stay with Shay in Minnesota.

I instantly regretted my decision as soon as we landed at LAX. I couldn't do this without her. I had believed that I was strong enough, but I wasn't. I needed her. Telling her that I was leaving had been the hardest thing that I have ever had to do. Now, going on without her by my side would be worse.

We've been in Los Angeles for about a month. Recording session after recording session with Gustavo has given me the kind of vocal endurance that no one on this planet has. Dance with Mr. X is brutal, and harmonies are even worse. But it's all worth it. For Shay.

Then, we just…stopped talking. Our schedules were clashing, and the time difference made it worse. We never talked. I would send her a text, but then she didn't answer me until hours later. It was easier to communicate with people in the immediate vicinity. So, I talked to Camille. Despite her dramatic antics, she was quite a good listener. Looking back on it now, I realize how needy I seemed when I poured out my heart to her about Shay, and how hurt she was because of it. I had known that Camille adored me, yet I consistently reiterated how in love with Shay I was. But, the more time I spent with Camille, the less I talked about Shay. Instead, we talked about her acting or how annoyed we were that Bitters changed the pool hours. It went from small talk to about how she never got along with people back home, and how I felt a bit excluded from BTR because I wasn't as good as the others.

To be honest, I missed Shay like crazy. No one can ever make me feel what Shay makes me feel. But, it's hard to love someone you never see or talk to.

"Aw, damn!"

"What is it?" I asked. Camille, James, and I were hanging out by the Palm Woods pool, taking advantage of what little free time we had.

"Paparazzi saw us last night," said an irritated Camille. She was lying on a chair in the sun, reading a tabloid, bearing all in a tiny bikini. I couldn't deny that I liked the view.

"Oh…," I responded. I hardly thought anything of it. At that point, my cell phone rang. Looking at the caller ID, I saw that it was Shay's house phone calling me. Why wouldn't she just call me from her cell…?

I accepted the call and said, "Hello?"

I was immediately met with a sob on the other end of the line.

"Shay?" I asked.

"No, Logan, it's Mrs. Walker," Shay's mother responded. "Lo–Logan," she gasped out between sobs, "Shay…Shay is gone."

This. No. This isn't real. It's _not real_.

Shay wouldn't do that. _My_ Shay wouldn't do that. She wouldn't have let a stupid tabloid tell her who I am. I can't even…I don't even know. I don't know anymore. Shay was the one person who liked me for me. The one person who I didn't have to pretend with.

I miss her. I miss her smile. I miss her hugs. I miss her kiss. I miss how weird she was and how she used to steal my shirts so she could wear them to bed. More than anything, I just want her here. I want to lie in bed and just hold her. Feel her warm body next to mine, and breathe in her coconut shampoo. No matter how much I need her here now, I know it's my fault._ I_ was the one who left her. _I was the one who left._

So now she's in a morgue, in the middle of an autopsy so her parents can know that she had a deadly blood alcohol content and a bloodstream full of sleeping drugs.

_It's my fault. _

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